L is for Loser

Do you ever have moments when you just feel totally inadequate? A bit ‘out of place’?

I had that feeling a lot growing up and still get it now.

Growing up, I spent a lot of my time being bullied by other kids at school. I grew up with no confidence, self esteem, and always felt like a loser and a total failure.

I had a few select friends, but over the years we moved on or grew apart. I became a loner with hardly any friends…and still feel that way now.

I met P and had the children. I returned to work, therefore play dates and baby groups were out of the question.

I’m one of these people that can easily put on a front. I can pretend not to be shy, when really I’m quaking in my boots. I have zero confidence! Confidence in myself and confidence in my abilities. I try to be who people want me to be, who people perceive me to be hiding behind the screen and creating a different me on Twitter and Facebook! A me who I think people will like. I try to be nice. Sometimes I’m too nice!

I came from a negative background. I’ve become a negative person. Always look at the negative side. Always look at what went wrong..Never at what went right or the brighter side of life. I moan…a lot!! Too much sometimes! (please feel free to tell me to shut up)

I feel like no one likes me …. most of the time.

I’m laying it down straight! I’m hoping writing it all out I can read and re-read and how bloody stupid it sounds!

There’s no reason for me to have no confidence. I’ve never particularly failed at anything I’ve done. I always try to please. I’m a Virgo….a perfectionist and if something’s not right, I’ll carry on until it darn well is! I’ve been good at all the jobs I’ve had!

I want to be a better person. I want to be a confident bubbly person. I want to meet new people. I want to do something with my life, to make it better. Not just for me but for P and the kids too. I hate relying on P financially, but I don’t like the thought of working in an office for next to nothing pay. I want to watch my last baby grow up after missing out on so much with the older 2.

I want to find out Who I Am! I don’t think I’ve ever known who I truly am…will I ever find out who I’m truly meant to be?

I hope so! And I hope she’s a fun loving, bubbly, confident, entrepreneur with a touch of style and finesse (long legs and tight abs won’t go amiss either but I think that’s pushing it!) … Maybe 2012 will be the year she shows herself…

We’ll see…..



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. The Handmade Mum
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 00:07:23

    I know where you are coming from, I think I have isolated myself from a lot of my old friends. Thankfully I now have my NCT friends, but with a 10 year age gap sometimes feel like the odd one out. Here's hoping you gain the confidence etc this year 🙂

  2. Rachel Gully
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 00:10:05

    Thank you! I didn't attend any ante-natal groups and I really wish I had as it would have been nice for not only me, but for A to have friends her own age to play with. It's nice that you have made some good friends, even if the age gaps can be a bit tricky sometimes xx

  3. DeDee
    Jan 27, 2012 @ 22:38:28

    Your not alone. Lets cheer that the new year is better for you!!!

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