I’m a crap friend….

I often find myself feeling very alone and isolated. I’ve never been one to have many friends. At school I was never in with the popular crowd. I had a select group of friends,but then in my last year of school, I didn’t attend much and when I finally returned 6 months later, I felt that I had missed out on a lot, and felt a bit out of place amongst my friends. I sat my GCSE’s and left, not really keeping in touch with anyone, except my best friend S.

That was until I went and screwed that up too. S and I became friends in our first year of High School. We became really close friends. We had our first 2 children within months of each other. We’d been there when we’d both suffered miscarriages. Then we both found out we were expecting again, and our babies were to be born within weeks of each other. We couldn’t have been happier. Then the worst thing happened. I started bleeding and a scan at 12 weeks showed we had lost our baby.

S, however continued in her pregnancy and had a healthy baby. I didn’t see S throughout her pregnancy and when the birth announcement arrived it hit me hard. I should have been announcing the birth of my baby too. Instead, I was grieving still for the baby I had lost. I had also discovered I was pregnant again, but an early scan revealed a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was facing losing another child, so I did what I know best, and pushed people away.

I hid/deleted a lot of my pregnant friends from my Facebook. I just couldn’t handle it. It turned out my baby was ok, but it was too late. Damage was done with my friends.

I have recently got back in touch with S, but it’s not the same. We’re “Facebook” friends…. But that’s all….and it’s all my fault.

I try to be a good friend, but if I’m honest, I don’t think I’m a good one. I think a lot of it comes from being let down a lot as a child. I was bullied a lot and had zero self esteem and confidence. Why would anyone want to be my friend?.

It’s only now looking back that I regret what I did. I can count my friends on one hand. But, I don’t feel confident enough in my relationship with them to call out of the blue and say “Hey, put the kettle on”.

I spend my days on my own with the children, whilst it seems everybody else lives these busy lives with lots of friends to either visit, help them out with babysitting etc. I can go days or weeks without hearing from anyone. I text/Facebook, but either get no reply or takes a few days to respond. Maybe it is me? Maybe I’m not a nice enough person to be worthy of such friendships that other people have, or maybe I’m such simply….a crap friend!!!


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shell Louise
    Sep 02, 2011 @ 22:16:31

    I have no one I could really call a friend where I live Rachel so the only people I see are Ant, the kids and my father in law.
    I had a very small group of friends at school, probably only 3/4 that were really friends but I'm only in touch with one of them on facebook and I've had a best friend for the last 12 years but she lives in Derbyshire, I live in Lincoln so we only get to see each other a few times a year. I'm not very good at keeping in touch but thankfully, she knows this and accepts it and has stood by me all these years.
    I do feel isolated sometimes. I know a couple of mums on the street but none that I could feel comfortable dropping in for a cuppa either so I know how you feel there.
    I don't really have words of wisdom but I do want to say that even though I don't know you 'in real life' you've always come across as being a really lovely person and I class you as a friend, albeit an online one!

  2. AmyCS
    Sep 02, 2011 @ 22:44:24

    Oh bloody hell – just wrote a massive long reply and dratted thing won't post!!

    Anyway – what I'd basically said is… you are not a crap friend. I consider you to be one of my friends even though we've not actually met in person. I don't see that many friends on a day to day basis. I've some Mums who I've grown close to through the kids' school, but the majority of my friendships are now online. Much of my “keeping in touch” is done through social media, and some of my closest friends are ones I've chatted to nearly every day since I fell pg with my oldest. I'm in touch with just one or two people I was in secondary school with. I've a few good friends from Uni, but most of the friends I'm in regular touch with are the ones I chat to on Facebook. It's the nature of things nowadays and I don't think you have to see someone regularly to consider them a friend. Life gets busy. Schedules are tight. Money is tight. Children steal our time (in the best possible way but it can be hard to make time for ourselves). Getting together with friends can be really hard, and life can feel rather lonely at times.

    You are most definitely worth of friendship. I count you as one of my friends. I chat to you pretty much daily, and I don't do that with people I don't like :). I think you're lovely

    Amy xxx

  3. Rachel Gully
    Sep 02, 2011 @ 23:24:40

    Thank you for your lovely comments. I think today has been a bit of a tough day & on days like this I question myself. A lot of my friends are through social media & I have never met…which some people would consider odd lol. I think I feel more comfortable hiding behind a screen. I need to grow some balls lol.

  4. Emma
    Sep 03, 2011 @ 05:18:58

    Ah, I've just written a post on how crap all my friends are. I can understand why you lost contact with S, that must have been really hard having such a reminder all the time.

    As a child I was very shy and not popular, I had one friend who 'saved' me as she was friends with everyone and so I muddled through but did not enjoy school at all.

    As as adult I have always done all the running and it's often upset me and made me wonder if they are just being polite – (surely if they cared they would contact me?) but I chose to believe them when they say they do like me and they are just rubbish at contact.

    A lot of my friendships are now online since I emigrated.

    That was rather a long comment ad I'm not sure what the point was – sorry!

  5. Jojo
    Sep 03, 2011 @ 09:14:37

    Hi Rach, I love you loads despite not having known you that long. When thinking about friendships, always consider the quality not the quantity, quality friends are few and far between!
    You can always turn up on the doorstep or drop me a 'put the kettle on' text, in fact I'd love it!
    I feel comfortable enough with our friendship to let myself in your back door and tell your hubby to put the kettle on while you're in the shower! Now thats a good friendship!!!
    Looking forward to seeing you, your new kitchen and the kids asap xxxx

  6. Emma
    Sep 03, 2011 @ 09:28:14

    I didn't have many friends at school either, like you largely because I had very little self-confidence as a result of being picked on because I was seen as being very clever by the other kids (I always found schoolwork really easy, was often top of the class etc). It's only since I met the man who's now my husband that I've got more confident – he's made me feel like I am worth something, and that's made me better at making and keeping friends. It's still not easy though.

    Maybe you should explain to your old friends why you did what you did. I can't imagine how it must feel to have a miscarriage, but I'm pretty certain I'd react in a similar way: I'd hate to see other people celebrating their babies being born. I'm sure your old friends would understand (and if they don't, maybe they're not worth having as friends anyway?)

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