Always Want What You Can’t Have…

Why is it that the more you know you can’t have something, the more you want it? 

Around this time 5years ago I had a 10month old son (J) and was 2months pregnant. It was tough at times, but they’re so close now. When K was 8months old, I wanted another baby. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out like that. I didn’t fall pregnant until early 2009 (K was 2). Sadly, the pregnancy ended in a silent/missed miscarriage. 2months later we were pregnant again, but it wasn’t to be. Another silent miscarriage had shattered our lives, and I started to wonder if we were ever meant to have another baby! 

Thankfully, we got another chance when 6 months later we discovered we were pregnant again! A mixture of happiness, excitement and fear cowered over us for months. I was lucky to get offered a scan at just 5weeks pregnant by my local Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU). Although we knew that they could not see a heartbeat so early, they wanted to check that the egg had attached in the right place. My heart sank when they told me they thought that the pregnancy might be ectopic. I was asked to return in 2 days where a senior doctor would check. Thankfully the scan showed everything was in the right place. Two weeks later, another scan revealed a heart beat! I have never felt such relief! Now, we just had to get through to 12weeks. 

The 12 week scan went well and we saw an energetic baby bouncing on the screen. We were elated when our scan at 22weeks revealed another little girl! P couldn’t believe his luck! After NO girls down the paternal line of the family for 4 generations…he has 2 girls! 

My pregnancy was going well and we were excited to meet our new addition. Until we reached 27weeks. That’s when the problems started. 

I started to bleed one night. I have never been so scared in my life! My husband rushed me to hospital. Once there it took them 30minutes to find my babies heartbeat. The longest half hour of my life. I was given steroid injections (boy do they hurt!) and told that NICU were on alert that I could have my baby anytime! That in itself scared me. The fact that I could be giving birth to such a small and early baby. Thankfully, labour didn’t start and after a short stay I was sent home unsure if it would happen again. 

It did! At 29weeks, exactly the same thing happened. Was rushed to hospital again. NICU alerted again. Everything stopped. Short hospital stay and sent home. Still none the wiser as to why this was happening, but was told to prepare to go in to labour at anytime. 

Yet again at 31 weeks, I found myself being rushed in to hospital. This time the decided to scan me to see what was happening. We already knew my placenta was anterior (at the front), but wasn’t low lying at my 22 week scan. The growth scan showed that my placenta was on the low side of “normal” and this is more than likely where the bleed was coming from. They would check again in 2wks time. After yet another short stay I was allowed home…only to return just a few days later. 

This time I knew I wouldn’t be going home until if had the baby. At 33weeks, having been in hospital a week, I had my second growth scan. Thankfully baby looked good, but the scan revealed my placenta had moved down even further and was now classed as “low lying”. That afternoon, my consultant came to see me. He diagnosed me with Placenta Previa, and explained that the placenta was low, and peeling away which is why I was bleeding. He then dropped the bomb shell I was waiting for. I was in until delivery! Mu scheduled c-section was to be brought forward from 39wks to 37wks and our aim was to make it there. 

Early hours the next morning I was woken with a kick. There I noticed, yet another bleed. The biggest one yet. It was at this point I was so thankful to be in hospital. I yanked the emergency cord and the midwives rushed me straight upstairs to the labour ward. There I was monitored very closely and for the 5th time NICU were on standby. As the hours passed, the bleeding continued and contractions started. I was told to prepare to have my baby delivered by that day. As I was stable and baby was happy, I wasn’t a priority. Then everything stopped. The bleeding stopped. The contractions stopped, and the delivery was called off. At the time I was so frustrated. I was scared of what this was doing to my baby! I was weak and tired from everything and mentally couldn’t take anymore! 

But there was another bombshell that hit us! After an MRI scan a week after our near delivery, I was diagnosed with Placenta Accreta also. This is where the placenta embeds itself into the uterine wall. NOT what we wanted or needed. 

I spent the next few weeks sleeping. The children didn’t visit often as they would get bored, but then would get very upset at home time. P tried to come up as often as he could but he had J & K to look after and a business to run. I had a few friends pop up which I’m grateful for. Other than that it was just me and Patrick Dempsey/Gerard Butler (P brought me in K’s portable DVD player & DVDs).

Finally the day arrived!! We made it!! Baby A was born at 09:49am on 21st Oct 2010 weighing in at a very tiny 5lbs 5.71oz. She was delivered via caesarian section under a general anaesthetic (for my safety). 

I was advised by my consultant not to have any more children as I would be at risk of having the same problems again. Unfortunately, the more pregnancies you have, the more chance you have of developing such conditions as an egg never attaches itself in the same place twice! 

So, here I am. A is nearly 9months old, and even with all the issues with J and even though A still isn’t sleeping through the night, I find myself wanting to have another baby. I guess you can call it ’empty nest’, or more like ’empty womb’. 

On the other hand, I don’t want to put my family through all the problems again. I know I’m not guaranteed to have the same issues….but we won’t know until later in the pregnancy. 

P is adamant that there will be no more children, which saddens me! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted a big family and 4 kids has always been a dream. I know he’s probably right (but don’t tell him that!) I just can’t help feeling sad about it. 

Maybe I’ll change my mind in a few years when A is walking and chatting back and decide that 3 is enough. For now, I’ll just enjoy my dinky 9month old and make the most of her before she gets too big.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. AmyCS
    Jul 08, 2011 @ 11:19:45

    I can totally relate to the “empty womb” feeling… I've friends announcing pregnancies left, right and centre, and part of me would really love another (there's no medical reason why I shouldn't either). BUT common sense dictates that to quit whilst I'm ahead lol! I know that my wanting another is entirely hormonal and I'm just grateful for my 3rd and final bundle of joy :). xxx

  2. Rachel Gully
    Jul 08, 2011 @ 13:22:43

    I think that's my problem. I know so many people who are pregnant that it's really making me broody. I am grateful for the 3 I have and know I'm extremely lucky to have 3 healthy kids…just I've always dreamt of 4…and I'm struggling to accept that I probably won't get that 😦

  3. The future Mrs C
    Jul 08, 2011 @ 18:31:43

    A 4TH!!! I'm struggling to cope with one lol! My sister has 4 and she is run ragged! I reckon I'll have one more (in a couple of years) and that'll be me done 🙂 x

  4. joanna
    Aug 26, 2011 @ 21:03:19

    Hi hun, I was the same feeling so broody, we decided to try for another, hoping that after 3 wonderful boys it would be a girl. After lossing morrigans twin and all the other problems I suffered, my partner said no more and had the snip. I understood at the time as wewent through hell. But I have started regreting it as I get so gutted when it think I will never again go through the excitement of having a new baby 😦

  5. Rachel Gully
    Aug 26, 2011 @ 21:35:11

    I think I struggle coming to terms with only having 3. All my life I have dreamt of 4… 4 was always how many children I could see myself having and now to try and come to terms with not having that. You can call it selfish or whatever. Maybe it'll go?? X

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